Thursday, 30 December 2010

Adultery Or Fantasy!

1st February 2010

I went into Steve’s laptop bag to find inside one of the compartments is a piece of paper saying, “Stefek, That’s for you small but still yours...” with a tiny heart and an arrow pointing to it. It is on company headed paper so it is from someone at work.  
Is this proof my husband might be having an affair? If yes I’m angry and all the above that goes with it, but what do I do. The fact is I need to confront him and see if it is true or not.
He has been staying out all hours, but his excuse was work or finding a place to study that is quiet. I respected and trusted what he was doing was true.
Well he certainly found a quiet spot in someone else’s company by the looks of things. There are other things that made me suspect that something might be wrong, but they are here nor there. The fact is the note is too intimate to be brushed off.
The question I ask myself like all men and women. Did I deserve to be treated like this? Our marriage was never perfect even before the cancer.
But I can honestly say NO! I bloody did not deserve this!
I hear my husband say when I say, “I’m not sure if I want the nipple done.” His reply “But you need to look symmetrical.” Is that a normal reply? Shouldn’t of he said well it is up to you Sarah. Or was he preparing me for kicking me to the kerb. Ok get her fixed she is past her sell by date my job is done. Flippant Sarcasm is my only defences mechanism left. I feel let down lonely, hurt, but I need to confront him. So how long? Do you love her? Do you love me? Why?

Ok I plucked up the courage to ask him.
“Steve are you seeing someone else?”
“I’m no dog Sarah!” he replies directly at me.
“Would you tell me if you were seeing someone else?”
“Yes of course!” he looks at me. “Why have you found proof?”
I look at him direct while his eye contact remains on what he is doing. There is no reassurance no petting nothing just an empty unemotional pause. 
If that was a joke it was in poor taste. My eyes are starting to well up because I feel he is not being totally honest at all. I go to our bedroom and open the bedside cabinet draw to get the piece of paper. I sit on the edge of the bed thinking do I or don’t I?
I gain the courage to confront him by placing the piece of paper in front of him.
“And that is what causes trust to fade!” I say.

We had agreed before marriage if either of us was going to look elsewhere say so first. Be honest about it and not lie, but who was I kidding here. People want their cake and home comforts. Yes I am naive and trust people to easy, but I will not change. I see good in everyone until they betray my trust.
I walk away with him asking where I had found it.
Ten minutes pass by and he finally comes to bed. He checks to see if I’m still awake or not.
“What were you looking for? A pen in my bag?” he asks.
“Does it matter? The fact is I found that.”
“Well it has been in my bag for ages. Some of the girls at work did it for a joke.”
“Well do you see me laughing at all?”
“Sarah nothing is happening. They even bought me a cheap bottle of perfume.” This is a 100ml bottle of Chanel Platinum Egoiste which he swears was bought off Ebay.
He honestly thinks that he has done nothing wrong. I find that totally amazing, but Steve is full of himself. I would not expect the reaction to be any different guilty or not.
I look at him as he potters in and out of the bathroom getting ready for bed. I think who is he trying to convince me or him? He climbs into bed next to me waiting for me to ask the next question.
But I honestly believe he is not telling me the truth even if I ask. I continue to talk and he falls asleep. No cuddle, no reassurance, nothing just him snoring. What the hell have I married?   

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