21st September 2010
Another dream I wish I had not had, but it woke me with a feeling of dread.
I dreamt the cancer had returned and that the other women was sneaking into my home. I know there is no other women in Steve’s life. It is just a dream after all or is it?
The other women was arguing over my bed and how it was hers now. I know this dream has come about because of the mammogram appointment.
But my fear is I leave Sophia and she suffers. Steve is not as organised and I don’t want no-one else bringing up my children. The cancer has got me thinking about things I would not even give a second glance at, but I should. Who will wash and iron Sophia’s uniform? Certainly not Steve. Children need regularity in their lives not mayhem. I should not think ahead of myself, but there is no-one else. I reluctantly get myself ready for my mammogram appointment.
Nothing like Metal Mickey squishing and squashing your breasts from two different angles. This time it was painful and the mammographer was not merciful with the foot pedals at all. I gritted my teeth tight holding the cussing I so wanted to shout. They say they want the breast the be as flat as possible in between the plates, but the pain. So now the waiting game starts again. My only consolation is the room was not full of nurses this time. Questioning whether I have breast cancer in the family.
My right breast is throbbing from the attention it received. The left breast is numb with no sensation to speak of. Yes, I should think myself lucky to even be here. After all if it weren’t for Metal Mickey I would not have a story to tell.
Letter from Hospital
Dear Dr S
RE: MENDOZA, Sarah DOB: **/**/**** Sex: F NHS No: **********
18 M*** **** Road, Northolt, Middlesex *** ***
It was a pleasure as always to review Sarah in the clinic today. I am glad to report that she is doing extremely well following mastectomy and reconstruction of the left breast for wide spread DCIS
On examination there is certainly no sign of local or regional reoccurrence and in particular I note that she has had some recent in the right breast. There certainly no abnormality to be felt and I have reassured about this. I have booked her for her annual mammogram and I will write to you and the patient with the result.
Miss S FRCS, FRCS (Gen.)
Consultant Breast and Endocrine Surgeon
I received a phone call at 12pm saying they want a repeat mammogram done on right breast. There is an area they are not happy about and it needs repeating. An appointment has been made for the 28th at 3pm.
It seems every time I build my hopes up and look to a positive light it slaps me in the eye. Yes it is a matter of caution this procedure must be repeated because now they have a comparison from last year. But to say I am scared is not the right word. I am shitting my load is more like it. ( Excuses my language)
I rang my husband and he did not pick his phone up. So I rang Lyn and told her about the phone call. She said at least I was persistent and to remain calm until the other results come back. She is so right and is only repeating what Steve would say.
But it has been nine months now since the right breast played up. The fear I feel is not for me, but my two daughters. Yet again they could have their lives turned upside down. Not only that if there is something it means possible surgery again. It took the hospital less than twenty four hours from mammogram taken to phoning me. Please, please, please don’t bloody say it is back!
I phoned Sandra up she is a barrel of laughs trying to get me to see the positives. The two clucking hens trying to reassure each other yet again. “You’ll have to have the calendar shots done again. Then they will be a perfect matching pair.” I understand what she is trying to do. If I have this breast removed also then it will solve the problem. I so have my fingers tightly crossed that this is nothing, but part of me says not a cat in hells chance. Seems like I’m on repeat or a stuck record.
I feel guilty that I am letting my family down in some way. Maybe it is mother nature’s way of giving me a kick up the arse. I honestly don’t know anymore and if I did would I want to know?
Steve returned home from work and I’m not even greeted with a hug. Steve complains about work and my hospital appointment for the 15th at the Big C hospital. It collides with his day at university. Not only that, but the damage he has to his knee is bothering him. Again the focus is on Steve and I have to carry on like nothing is happening. There is no mention of the phone call I received. I’m just praying it is just formality and not the dreaded C.