Friday, 31 December 2010


My BC nurse informed me I was being sent to a different hospital to do a different procedure to clear the calcification from my ducts. She said it was micro-calcification and because of the severity of my left breast they needed to do further investigations on the right breast. I could not hear all she was saying on the phone, but I know they want to solve this once and for all. The pain in my breast is back in full swing thanks to the mammogram.
I decided to cancel my operation to correct my implant because of the biopsy. The thought of not being able to do nothing with both hands for a few weeks. Is a no, no in my book. I was suppose to go to the hospital this week for my assessment for the operation to get the go ahead. I knew they would not say yes because I have flu like symptoms’ anyway.
I also had a second phone call from the theatre group I volunteer for. I have been watching from a distance at certain things happening around me. It was explained to me they were looking for funding to keep me at the theatre company. After all I had worked as a volunteer for three years and had done three productions during my treatment. I designed and made nineteen waistcoats for the first production. On the second production I had done around sixty alterations and made/designed twenty costumes. The other smaller community project I had designed and made four aprons, four headmasters cloaks and fourteen 1940’s style dresses which I was not happy with, but now something was making me nervous about my position there.

Me being the trusting person I am. I had mentioned that they may of found an issue in my other breast. I could see that this put me and the theatre in a position of do they offer me employment or not? After all I had requested payment.
It was mentioned they would bring other volunteers in a relieve some of the burden of making costumes. This I think is an excuse to say my time is done.  
All my hard work and for what?
I understand the theatre is a business and there is no room for sentimentality.
They are concerned about my health issues. I have seen this tactic used before and how they move someone else in to replace you. You train them and they make valid excuses up on why you should leave. Friends and family have expressed their concerns also about how I am treated at the theatre. The fact they are constantly asking my advice on issues yet they have not offered me a job leaves room for abuse.
I try to convince my friends they are wrong. That I just need to get on the tread mill and prove I can do the work, but if my efforts over the last year have not already proven I am a positive to the theatre. Then my energy should be concentrated elsewhere.
My BC nurse said I did not have the same illness as the other ladies involved. So I would not be able to relate to them. I know I did not have full blown cancer. I know I did not have chemotherapy or radiotherapy and the medication that follows, but I did have my breast removed and others involved also had DCIS. So I turned the table on her and said so I should not have had my breast removed? Her reply was No! If I remember rightly had it been left more than a year it would of been serious. So this very day I would of been fighting their fight. I would be pumped with lord knows what chemicals and steroids.
This women grates on me to the bone. Her support I find condescending and worthless. She was questioning whether the calendar is a negative on my recovery. After all my treatment is finished only observation. So I’m thinking to myself Ok! A healthy group of women who have not had breast cancer can do a calendar to raise money, but a group of women who have had treatment for cancer can’t because it is a negative on recovery. This to me is so wrong and her even analyzing my reasons for being involved angers me. Does she not think that I have not already questioned myself and my reasons. To me it has boosted me to keep looking forward and not to last year’s events, but the constant pain I am now having in my right breast is a reminder. The fact I have had to undress and look at my body that now has changed drastically from the year before is a constant reminder. How can I move on with the constant check-ups needed to make sure it does not return.
To me this women had no right to even question my actions and surprisingly Steve backed me 100%. He has seen me change in ways this BC nurse has not. In fact Steve said the only negative was her approach on the whole subject. Why do people want to sweep cancer under the carpet? Can’t they understand certain people deal with situations differently to others. I know I have to be in contact with this women, but in future I will keep clear of discussing anything with her.

The hospital my BC nurse booked my biopsy at phoned to confirmed my appointment for the 19th October. All the information about the procedure will be in a letter. 
Not only that but Ealing Gazette want to do an article on me and the calendar. They had seen a piece I had done in another local paper to try sell the calendar. It is all a bit surreal, but an added distraction.
I asked Steve if he could take time off work. He said he would look into it. Part of me knows the time he takes off will be for him and what he wants to do. I look at my BC friends on my FB page and I see all the support they are receiving from their partners. And part of me feels jealous and sad inside. It is partly my fault that I’m twiddling my thumbs in the hope of finding attention from Steve.
Right now my feelings are turned upside down and I feel nothing for him. I listen to him grumbling about work and how people are stupid and it angers me. In my eye people are only stupid when in the company of stupid people. It is all about communication and a sympathetic approach to any individual. Just because they do not want to bow to your demands does not mean they’re stupid. It means they don’t care to listen because you have approached them wrong. An outsider can easily look in and make a quick opinion on an individual, but Steve is my husband and I know him too well. His arrogant response to how I am feeling is clearly demonstrated for all to see. Management at work asked if he would like time off to be with me. Why can’t he take up on that offer now?


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