Friday, 31 December 2010

A Moment Of Deep Thought

12th August 2010

The death of a BC friend has left a hole amongst the BC girls and it needed filling. I and Steve discussed details of her death and the fact she had a young family.
His reply was:

Sarah I believe we all have our stories written out and some as sad as it is will have their story cut short. Your father passing away was a sign a message for you to be more vigilant. You were not suppose to find the breast cancer and I strongly believe that, but you did. So your story continues until who knows when or where. To me it is like picking up a glass of water or saying a certain word that is the trigger for your journey to end and for you to be reborn into a next life. I am an old soul and I believe I have been here before. I was once told I was a pirate and my ship mates left me to die because of infection. It does not matter whether I believe this or not, but the fact is it gives us hope there is something else’s out there.
When the surgeon phoned to say you were out of surgery I was relieved. I did not feel I had to go running to your beside because I knew you were safe. He had reassured me all was well and you were groggy from the anaesthetic.

There was only one point where you felt sorry for yourself and that was when you questioned why I had no emotional response to your cancer. The facts are what could I do? Encouraging you to feel sorry for yourself was a no. You had to do this on your own to make you stronger and bring back the old Sarah. Now you have lost a friend, but I have not lost you and you are important to Sophia. Her journey as unjust as it is has ended and we must all move forward.

My sisters reaction to your situation is the fact history is repeating itself and this has left her in shock. My father had to go through this with my mother, but her path was cut short. It was a error on the surgeons part that ended my mothers’ life. They had left a piece of the tumour behind and it spread. You have the good fortune of knowing they removed it all and you have to move forward. You were the one who discovered the cancer and throughout you remained strong. Your story has not ended and your friends memory will remain a dominant part of the group you all have formed. That you all should admire not question....

I am appearing in a calendar to raise money for three charities yet to be confirmed. The theme is 1950’s and we have a team of people involved to make sure our day is special. Sharon Fox needs a medal for what she is doing or recognition. She is still having treatment for cancer and running fund raisers. She is also opening a drop in centre and shop to raise cash.

I went to go get measured for the underwear we shall be modelling for the Calendar shoot. All the girls are both nervous and excited about the whole event. The fact we are doing something for an awareness campaign and raising money makes us feel proud.
I must admit me and camera’s don’t get along at all. Just because you work in theatre does not mean you’re comfortable within your own skin.
There will be some BC ladies who would like to do the shoot, but won’t be there. The effects of the surgery and complications from treatment has left them at an all time low. They want us to represent them and make sure that the truth is seen within the pictures.
We all moan about the results of our surgery and the effects of medication. Yet we try to remain positive to show there is light at the end of the tunnel. One breast may look bigger than the other and misshapen. The skin where the radiotherapy was directed may not want to stretch. Or the scar tissue may leave disfigurement from the LD or bi-lateral. Nothing is perfect, but we remain positive and support each other through the dark times. We got rid of our defective bits and took hold of the demon within.

On my return home my stupid husband had set himself alight. How? I am not sure the story keeps changing. Me beat drum, me play with fire, me get burnt! What is it with men and barbeque pits? They always want to see big flames bursting out the grill. 
But this incident got me thinking about Sophia and her well being. I had left Steve in charge of her and the home. I had barely left the house two hours and this happens. My thoughts went into over drive. What if Sophia had tried to put Steve out? She is only five years old and it is her daddy. My anger was so deep inside me. This man is so selfish and bloody stupid. Time and time again I told him not to play with the barbeque pit. Only the other day the boys told him not to play with gas, but no! What makes him so superior to everyone else?
On arriving home I am greeted with the smell of burnt hair and flesh. My husband is stood at the sink in his boxer shorts with his hand in a bowl of cold water. The site was humorous to see. He looked so sheepish and knew he had pushed to boundary to far this time. I give him the once over without even questioning what happened. Sophia was unfazed by the whole situation. Like it was an every day event that occurred in the house. Steve’s hand was a mess it was a hospital job. He had burnt his hand and down the right hand side of his rib cage. He was bloody lucky that the flames had not caught him further. Steve had contacted a few of his friends to see who would respond the fastest to get him to hospital. When his friend arrived he started fussing over Steve. I just stood there thinking well let him do it himself. I phone my eldest daughter Kayleigh requesting her to pick Sophia up from the hospital as we arrive. Who knows how long his treatment would take?  
When at the hospital the pain from what he had done drove him to tears. Yes it hurts, but he had been warned. Part of me wants to reach out, but he pushes me away. My mind is in turmoil over what if’s? This man actually deserves no sympathy anyway. If I passed away tomorrow what life would Sophia have? How could I trust this man to take care of our daughters.
He soaked up the attention he received from the nursing staff. Accepting every bit of pain relief offered to him. When Kayleigh arrived she could not believe he had been so stupid. She left the hospital with Sophia telling her every detail.
Two hours later he had been bound up and sorted.  A lift home was waiting outside the hospital from the same friend who brought us to the hospital.
Steve’s friend  kept going over and over how could Steve have set himself alight. Rechecking his story for clues to the truth behind what he was saying. I honestly could not be bothered in talking about it. What is the point? My thoughts are on my two daughters who are waiting at home.

We are still trying to get to the bottom of the accident Steve had. None of it makes sense to me. He had thrown petrol on the barbeque pit to speed it up. The vapours from the gas must of ignited and burst out onto Steve’s clothing causing his nylon football t-shirt to melt. But the severity of his injuries leave loads of questions still not answered.
Ok I joke around with my eldest daughter saying, What if your granddad was behind this? After all he can see what a jack arse Steve can be. We chuckle at the thought of my father stood there thinking, Ok you want to play with fire now have a taste of this. The facts are my father was very much like that. If you want to learn the hard way, let me show you the impact would be his reply.
Steve reckons something had it out for him that day because unless he had dowsed himself in petrol it does not make sense.
Kayleigh is disgusted by his total lack of responsibility. Accident or no accident Sophia was in the house alone with him. The fact Sophia is not fazed by the whole incident worries me.
“Daddy you should not play with fire. You could of been dead! You know fire can burn you.” Was her reply to the whole incident. Now if a five year old can sum the situation up so easily. Why can’t my husband?

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