22nd July 2010
Opening night for another production happened this month. All the work was well worth it. The set was fantastic and the costumes with a few tweaks were ready to be worn. No-one will really know how much this meant to me. The only drawback is to be back in the very space the news of my fathers’ death was broke to me.
To think this is where my journey actually began. This place spurred me into action to get confirmation of something I already knew. I watch the ships wheel dangle above my head in pride of place. If my dad was alive he would of called me a daft bitch and made it from wood, but he would of still been proud of my attempt. I could actually see him altering all of the stage set. Undoing screws re roping and fixing bits of wood. He loved a challenge and the challenge loved him. No job was difficult and he could not tolerate the word ‘Can’t’. Despite my fathers’ faults his passion was true just like his daughter and those memories no-one can destroy.
My appointment for having bloods taken at my GP’s arrived. The bloods are for the research team for cancer research UK.
I read a article on my face book today and it is something I find alarming. Apparently a research team have found a link to DCIS/tumours and artificial sweeteners. The fact I am diabetic and I have been using sugar free foods since 1996 has left me gobsmacked. Not only that but I have encouraged both my daughters to use sugar free products because they could develop diabetes.
Yes this could be scare mongering, but reading the article left little doubt that to side on caution is better than not. So I have decided to drop the sugar free stuff until I know more.
My review from my appointment at the Big C hospital arrived today.
Dear Dr S
Re: Ms Sarah Mendoza – DOB: 29/07/1970 NHS Number: *** *** ****
18, **** **** ROAD, NORTHOLT, MIDDLX, *** ***
I reviewed this lady in Mr H clinic today. She underwent a left breast reconstruction with an LD flap implant in October 2009. She was under investigation of her right breast and as I understand it she has duct ectasia. Her only concern is that her left breast is starting to feel a little hard.
On examination today, she had a grade 2 capsule with reasonable shape and symmetry. My impression is that this lady is developing capsular contraction. I have therefore suggested that we should wait a further three months to re-assess her prior to carrying out a nipple reconstruction. We will keep you informed of her progress.
Mr J FRCS (Plast)
SPR Plastic & Reconstructive Surgery
I would not mind, but I did not complain about my left recon. He asked if it was alright and I replied, “Well I would not know I have not had a implant before.”
A friend explained it is there way of rushing things forward to say you have complained. Yes, all that I understand, but I feel a nag.
After all they did all the tests on my left breast and found nothing. Just enflamed ductual tissue that is still playing the fool and causing me discomfort.
I had a conversation with a BC buddy. The shock of all she has been through has spiralled her into a depressive spot. Her life has had so many twists and let downs it has mounted up. I tried to explain she needs me time and not looking out for others. Her personality is a bubbly out going and meet people type. A lot of people seem to rely on her for her emotional strength. She can’t say no because what is five minutes of her time, nothing. I explained she has to be selfish for once and say no.
We both agree that because we have gone through such a ride and remained positive. People do take our feeling for granted. We laugh, joke and smile, but underneath we need reassurance too.
Both of us have very strong individualistic personalities. With a very kind helping heart that can be easily abused. We feel we need to help in a time of need without falter. Well now is our time of need and we have to put others to the back of the queue for now.
Our life’s seem to be focused on cancer or at least this is how she feels. Yes, this is very true because we cannot escape the appointments and examinations. These are a constant reminder of the pain we have had to go through emotionally and mentally. The wounds heal, but the sickening thought that rumbles deep in your stomach never goes. All we want is to wake up without feeling fear.
I have taken up a new hobby to raise money for my over locker. It is a way of taking my mind off all the stress I am under, a focus point. I am buying used studio pottery from charity shops and selling them on eBay. So far I have spent fifty pounds on books to research potters marks. Seven pounds on scales for postage and ten pounds on a shredder. I have sold five pots so far which cost me eighteen pounds to buy. They have raised one hundred and thirty two pounds minus eBay expenses.
Yes, I have made some errors like all beginners, but it is to a well worth cause and the pots I don’t sell I return to the charity shops. Some would argue I should hand all the money over, but I work as a unpaid volunteer and I have to raise the money somehow for equipment. Besides think of all the people out there that do it has a business. The theatre director thinks I am mad, but whether it is a pound or a penny. ‘Something is better than nothing.’ My new motto.
£3.50 & sold £74