12th September 2009
I have loads to do at the theatre I volunteer at and little time. I like to be well organised and ahead of schedule. Some people think I am mad offering my services for free. But I am not under any pressure to complete or have a contract. You are free to do as much as you like in the time you have chosen to give. I have over seventy costumes to complete and there are three productions to design and make costumes for.
The day went fast because of the amount of work needed done on the costumes. I am taking a couple of the costumes home with me. So when I feel up to it I can complete them at home. Naughty I know, but I hate staying in bed mulling on pain. Once I had finished my bits for the day I go to say goodbye to the director. I did not know what to do or if I could react. Tears started to well up in my eyes, but the show must go on.
The last time I had anaesthetic is a time I can never forget. Certain dates seem to stick and never fade. It does not matter how much time goes by it’s the reasons behind it. I sit at the computer wondering is this my punishment? I know I made the right decision, but was I selfish? Was it right? I guess it will remain my demon to bear. All I know, I will not sleep tonight.
It is strange how we will look back on our life’s looking for answers we have no control over. The little details we scrutinise in our heads that don’t make sense. If I did that or this would it have made a difference?
The consultant said that the DCIS started a year ago and if I had left it one year more I would be telling a different story. Did this condition start with my daughters second birthday? That is the only time I had caused bruising to my chest.
I my daughter, mum were in a car accident on a roundabout. The person behind us had her foot slip on the accelerator when we were clearly stationary at a roundabout nearly shunting us into oncoming traffic on the roundabout. The strap had dug across my left breast right where the now DCIS is.
I checked my young daughter to make sure she was alright. My mum was in shock and did not know what to do. So I got out of the car and walked over to the car that had just gone up our backend. When I realised it was a women I signal her to get out the car. When she got out of her car she was wearing wedges not shoes. My temper took hold and I asked her to give me her driver’s licence. I asked her to tell me her name and address. I grabbed a pen from my mums’ bag. Taking note of her licence plate and type of car she was driving. The woman was in shock at my quick response and replies. My anger could be clearly seen by all. I shouted to her “Next time, do not wear wedges when driving” and I took pictures from my mobile phone. My back was hurting and my concerns were for my little daughter in the back seat. We sat for five minutes in the car taking it all in. Then drove to the hospital to get checked over and were warned we may have whip lash. The back of the car was written off and needed some serious attention. My little daughters’ car seat needed replacing.
Could I have done anything to prevent this disease?
I spoke to Steve about this and he was clear. “It makes no difference because it is now that counts not then. You cannot change the past so why ask? But you can change the here and now.”
As far as Steve is concerned I am being treated and nothing more can be said.
I understand his response to my question. I cannot do anything about the past so why question it. All I am doing is stressing myself out which is doing me no favours. I know there is no clear answer to breast cancer, not even the experts know why it occurs.