Thursday, 30 December 2010

What Did I do Wrong?

 6th February 2010

I wish I could fade away, but Sophia has needs. My life is a mess to say the least and it is up to me to sort it out.
I’ve resided to the fact my marriage maybe a lie because of me. I gave Steve too much freedom to do as he pleases. I’ve lost my independence and while he kept his. When I had my own place I was in control of everything. No man could get near me to impose any sort of rule. Then I married Steve and the whole dynamics changed I became dependant on him. I need to sit down and rethink my priorities or I might as well give up. If he is seeing someone else and by such a personal note he is. Do I want to fight for this marriage? Can I forgive him?
I honestly cannot answer that question even if I tried. The fact is he has not admitted to having an affair. 
Do I feel threatened by this other female if there is one? Yes, she has her healthy breasts that are intact. She is cancer free!
Is he still with me because he loves me or through obligation?
I don’t know because I have not got the answers. I asked him last night. He said No! But I am suspicious of him. The note is too personal for a young woman to write. The heart is small which a sign of secrecy. For god sake I’m not stupid, but I feel that’s what I’m being made out to be.
I want to believe he is not lying to me, but can I trust him?

I see my cancer consultant at the hospital. My right breast is still giving me issues. She tells me I have cysts in the right breast and they will monitor the breast on three monthly intervals. Part of me wishes they would just chop that one off too. I’ll be having another core biopsy done end of February. So more pain with tugging and pulling. Part of me wishes that Steve had a biopsy. Just to have some of the pain I am going through.
My consultant gave me a leaflet on pain management. She also explained how you can transfer pain in one part of your body to another part.
The thing is I do have my husband who clearly saw what happened to my right breast. Shame he is not here to explain to my consultant in detail. The leaflets say if you take 240 – 360 mg of GLA (Gamma-Linoleic Acid) it can ease breast pain. This can be found in Evening primrose oil capsules.
If I remember clearly I went to my GP up north back in 1996 with breast pain problems. He put me on the contraceptive injection and a drug that may have been Efamast to control breast pain neither agreed with me. I got headaches and the contraceptive injection made me bleed for six months continuously.

As I leave the consultation room my cancer specialist tells me to send her regards to my husband. If only she knew what a mess my marriage is in, but she’s my cancer specialist not my marriage guidance councillor. I leave the hospital with relief knowing they are keeping an eye on the situation. Steve rings me to ask how my appointment went. Part of me wants to shout none of your f**king business, but I play the doting wife and tell him what is happening. Plus the cancer specialist sent her regards so he can puff his plumage up some more. After all women are falling at his feet. It is not as if I would ever feel comfortable with another man near me. It is true what others have told me. Loneliness can be your biggest enemy. Especially when you actually do not have a say or do you. 

I can not face the theatre I feel so depressed. The late nights and analysing my whole life piece by piece has left me drained. The worst fear I had has come true. Worst of all when I do sleep I’m dreaming about it all. I know all of the rules of married life, but I failed on all of them. I concentrated on me and beating cancer not my husband. He had all the freedom to do has he pleased right under my nose. After all I was taking care of the house and children not him.
I have just had a thought Steve has never bought Sophia a toy. One of the girls at work had ordered a toy for Sophia. When I questioned him he said that they had been looking at them online and he asked her to get Sophia one.
Could he honestly do that?
Would he encourage the women to buy Sophia something? Am I losing the damn plot? I need a life fast this is so unfair.

Steve has made arrangements to go out with the boys’ tonight so I was left on my lonesome again. He did not ask if it was alright with me, but before going out he said ask Kayleigh if she will babysit Sophia and we shall go to the cinema on Wednesday.
 It is two for one on the orange deal and he still has not got me anything for our wedding anniversary. How romantic is that? You can afford to buy beer at full price, but not take your wife out. I feel so angry I am like a bubbling pan of hot water.
Yes I should have insisted Steve stay home, but I cannot bare him near me. The thought of sleeping near him aggravates me.
Every time I have set my heart on doing something that means improving me. I have had to think about Sophia and time tables. I was so lucky to do the youth worker course and that was only because Kayleigh was still living with us. I did not have to pay for the course because I’m a volunteer. So Steve had no excuses to say no because it was not effecting us financially.
It is like being a single parent with my partner climbing the career ladder and I am stuck with nothing. It so reminds me of my parents’ relationship it was also one sided, but very volatile. They ended up divorcing after 37 years of married life. She was left with ill health and nothing to look back on. He ended up with brain tumours and an untimely death.
I swear I will not end up like my mum or dad, but I have put myself in exactly the same position. Except I am thirty-nine years old not sixty and I can change my circumstances.

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