Friday, 31 December 2010

A Women To Be Admired

23rd December 2010

The Belfry event on the 5th was a success and everyone had fun, but back to normality and the house hold chores. I received a phone call saying my operation will take place on 10th January. They also have to repeat my assessment because more than two weeks have passed. I sat up most of last night until 4am this morning chatting to Lyn. We spoke about various things and what I wanted to do. We discussed the calendar and the attention it is receiving in Germany. Six of the girls have done a small paragraph each including myself for a German women’s magazine Brigette. Lyn told me I am a pretty girl and I should be proud, but I don’t feel pretty. I feel crap and slowly I am suffocating. I want so much out of life. Yet every obstacle I face is wearing me down. There are no easy solutions just hard graft.

Karen has been told the cancer has returned in her liver. She remains adamant that she will beat it once again, but the BC girls are concerned. Not about beating the cancer she has done it time and time again. It is the overall repeat of tests drugs and wear down with lows and highs she has to face. We all admire Karen and her zest to conquer this diseases. Our concerns drift into insignificance compared to her journey. Karen will not allow you to feel self pity. If you could take one lesson from her it would be she is living her life to the full. There is no time to complain or worry just keep looking forwards not backwards.

I tried to speak to Steve about Karen. His reply just filled me with anger in the end. He said that if Karen is positive and does not surround herself with negativity she will be fine. Which is fine but I told him she has been fighting this diseases four years. With not a glimmer of negativity around her. Why is it people think that when you are ill you are negative? This women is bright eyed and bushy tailed. She is a twinkling star that will not fade into the shadows of this diseases. Realistically Karen is a shining example of how you should be. Then the conversation was turned on me and to sum it up I was at fault. It was my doing that I have this diseases because I am negative all the time. He was concerned with the people I surround myself with and talk to. I should talk less about cancer and find something else to talk about. I was so angry at what he was insinuating. That all the negativity that was building up through his behaviour I regurgitated right at him. I spoke angrily about the love note. The threats of an affair if I did not have sex with him. The conversation his sister had with me about men not finding implants attractive. Everything I threw at him in full and then said is that not negativity? How can I relax knowing my husband with a phone call or text is fooling around. This man is walking on very thin ice to say everyone I speak to is being negative or that I am encouraging negativity. When his behaviour has caused me more stress than the bloody cancer. I tried to get him to reply, but by the time I had finished ranting he had absorbed himself into the Xbox. He refused to react only his final sentence summed it up.. “Sarah you do this every time and now is not the right time.”
So when is the right time? When can me and my positive husband talk? Well certainly not now because the Xbox  and his university course work are more important. Not the fact that I’m going under the knife on the 10th January once again.
After all I’m back to square one with the opposite breast. CALCIFICATION!

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