Tuesday, 22 March 2011

I Am Not Perfect Anymore!

Read another blog today that appeared on my FB page. The need to express can lead to deletion of posts even FB expelling you. Whilst we believe FB is an open forum to express we can be put in the naughty corner for stirring up emotions. One blogger felt the strong need to speak out on her blog about the distasteful comments put on a FB page she had been following.
What worries me about her whole experience is it has trivialised a very important need. Those needs to express not all people agree to what others are encouraging.
Humour has a place, but to what ends?
Breast cancer and its emotional scars both physical and mental leave the none BC world treading on egg shells on how to approach. Yes whilst we BC survivors want to prevent BC it can lead to anger just by approaching it insensitively. Those that have survived its ugly grasp are still coming to terms with the path they are now on. We hide behind a smile or joke trying to ease the intensity of a subject such as breast cancer, but BC is not a forgiving laughable nor joyous. It is tormenting and cruel with no forgiveness for those it affects.
The FB page was setup by a young person affected by BC, but how does a young person deal with BC, but with humour.
I remember being nineteen and coming out with cheeky comments to hide my discomfort about a subject. I would argue black was white and shout get a life so easily, but something changed and when that change occurred was nearly losing my first born.
When you are young everything is simply solved unless it encroaches on your day to day way of living. Then you have a big reality check and a once self opinionated brat becomes an adult over night. I have heard time and time again well be thankful you are alive there are others less fortunate. Like it is a duty to bite my lip when I come across something I disagree with. You are seen as being frigid like some inexperienced virgin. Your opinions have become a casualty of BC and the explosion of confetti approach is more accepted.
Whilst the none BC community latch onto the pink bomb shell like a suckling infant needing comfort. There are women being driven to despair on anti-depressants to block out the painful images that remain. Yet what worries me is what if by putting a pretty image up we are giving a false perception of BC. That we are trivializing and saying it is ok to have BC because you will survive. So feel your boobs is one more step to encasing the reality.
Before my mastectomy/recon my husband would want to jump my bones every day, but after the operation was done he would lose his erection midway through the love making act leaving me rejected. That is my true reality of BC and something people do not want discussed. BC changes everything and yet I must remain silent. Do not get me wrong my needs were satisfied, but his he would dash away. People’s reactions/opinions shape how we see BC and the recovery process. The disfigurement is not just external, but internal also.
Which would leave me thinking about what his sister had said ‘Most men do not like implants.’
After a while I gave up on even attempting to make love because of the feeling of rejection. After a while you sleep on the edge of the bed with silent tears trickling down your face. That is the true nature of breast cancer. The silent tears and internal screams that no-one wants to see or hear. So the humour is a copping mechanism to mask the truth, but when a BC survivor actually bursts a valve and lets the steam flow on a FB page only to face deletion of posts because it does not fit in with the image. This I strongly question without a doubt.
Yes the true facts that cash raised for a young people’s BC organisation that titillates BC could be better placed elsewhere leaves a question mark. You could also argue the fat cat corporations that line their pockets on our misery could also do the same. For every penny raised for BC is lining someone’s pocket somewhere. Pink or Feel your boobs who cares it’s the money that is important not the tears of women in torment. Let’s all be ostriches and bury our heads in the sand like normal people, but I am not normal.
The truth is whilst sexual headlines like ‘Feel your boobs’ create comfort and titter amongst the young. The titter is getting them to do the obvious and be body aware. The argument is done before you even start amongst the none BC community. I just hope that titillation is not being abused by a sick pervert for a kick.
Whilst we are classified as being over sensitive to people saying we are being over sensitive. Can’t people just understand that we are hurting? Our lifes have been torn and turned with no end in site. I have the comfort of waking up to a mirror that can be so cruel it can send you to the depths of despair. I wish I had a perfect breast like before, but the truth is my breast nearly killed me and I am not so perfect anymore!
Yes the titillation raises awareness and cash, but sometimes even when you are young with BC. You do not want to laugh, but you want to damn well scream!

4 comments:

  1. great post Sarah, I understand your pain, I am grateful for my reconstructed breast, but I mourn for the old one, and I mourn for the person I used to be.
    I am all for supporting everyone going through cancer, or any other trials, we all handle them in different ways.
    I'm not perfect either, who is?
    I do find the trivialisation of BC very distasteful though, and some of the 'charities' give no money to the right things, in my humble opinion.

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  2. Great post Sarah, I am not perfect either, but then I never was, but I lived in hope of becoming so!
    I mourn for the loss of my breast,and I mourn for the person I used to be.
    I am all for supporting everyone on their journey, no matter how they choose to handle it, anger, and humour, are useful stratgies.
    I do however find some of the trivialisation of breast cancer very distasteful.
    x

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  3. Excellent post Gabby,spot-on!

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  4. thank you for your in put gabby and denise.. it just proves that we are are individuals on our own very personnal journeys with this disease.. it is a shame that certain people who have never experienced cancer and its wrath.. need to edit the truth..

    sarah xx

    ps hope ur keeping well gabby

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