Wednesday, 27 July 2011

No-one is Perfect in this Life, Least of all me..

I think Sophia makes a excellent robot and it has a heart.
The early hours of this morning I retired to bed after chatting to daddy further. I wanted to actually for once try and understand the family I had married into. My whole six years of marriage was shrouded with questions that I felt I should have been able to ask from the start, but I always trust individuals to speak and I respect the words that follow. To me an individual will talk when it is their time to talk just like myself, but mine and Steve’s relationship is at a stale mate.   

My curiosity to hear a different side of events without malice or bent truths was genuine. Bent truths meaning you want to hear the bad as well as the good not what fits the gaps which is very hard to achieve. Yet part of me knew daddy also wanted to hear the truth also or at least my truths.

We spoke about my life and what had happened around me growing up. He tuned into my every word listening intently. Then we discussed Mommy (Steve’s mum) and how if she was alive he would still be married to her. This he did not have to tell me because you could feel the passion that was sadly missing. As I sat with daddy I could feel the same passion that my father also echoed in those long conversations we had and are so sadly lost. Theses conversation I had were rare, but my father once on his own could let his guard down. We spoke about my mum just as candidly about how he fell in love with her and he too was looking for reasoning , but in all he loved her.

All I want is that same passion and I believe daddy knew this. I could not say to him what I was searching for, but he knew my words were questions and I needed reassurance.  The fact is unless Steve lets the facets down he himself has created then my marriage will remain in limbo. One person cannot do all the talking even though I am able to talk until the cows come home to milk. The words that have been said in anger or stubbornness should not be held to another’s throat as a knife. Steve is a sensitive old soul, but he should be making the first move.

He has said to me time and time again he looks up to daddy. So by me speaking to daddy I am breaking one of Steve’s facets and tweaking the control button. This could go one way or the other it is entirely down to Steve and let’s not forget his sister. I have entered the lion’s den and knowing his sister she will not like it. I am building a relationship up with daddy and she is not here to control the conversation.

By listening to daddy I am slowly piecing together missing fragments of Steve’s upbringing. I and daddy have reached an understanding and I hope some of my behaviour he understands, but there are still fragments with time that will emerge. He said he blames himself for the way his two children deal with situations, but I said there is no blame. That is like me blaming my parents for who I am. No-one to me can be blamed for an individual being and individual. As long as they do no harm to others and walk their own path then who are we to judge? As parents we bring our children up with the tools that are available. There is no wrong or right only what you understand to be the path you alone understand to be correct. The fact he reflects on possible errors to me shows he is only human and the merry go round just keeps turning with or without him. 

No-one is perfect in this life, least of all me...

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