Tuesday, 26 July 2011

The Plus and the Minus

Yesterday we went to my husband’s presentation of awards ceremony. He now has officially received his Bachelor of Engineering with Honours in Building Services Engineering. I should be pleased, but the four years of hell I had to go through I cannot forget. Two years of which I have an imposter and a scar across my back to remind me. I understand my husband’s needs, but my needs dribbled into some crevice to be ignored. I had to struggle by juggling him, his sister and son, two kids and finding money we did not have. Now I am left to make sense out of all that had happened and somehow move forward.
Me and his daddy had a quiet word whilst Steve hob knobbed amongst his peers fluffing his plumage. He mentioned how he liked how I took control over the photos of his son all gowned up that I talked sense into his son over the amount of pictures that were required and cost. I said daddy believe it or not there is a lot you do not know about this relationship. The truth be known I would sooner divorce your son and that is no joke. All of what you see is about Steve not the people who had to be dragged along with it. Where is my eldest daughter Kayleigh? Why is she not here? That is the question you should ask yourself not the cost of a few pictures.

There are some things that I am not freely able to divulge on my blog and my eldest daughter I must respect. I love her to bits, but thankfully she has moved on and is now finding her own path in life.

Daddy was taken aback by my outspoken words after all now is not the time, but when is the right time in my eye. I look at Steve and now I ask myself what next? Where is my relationship going? The old Steve is returning, but for how long? What is making this man tick? I have made myself transparent and people can see what I am trying to do. Or at least that is what I believe to be so, but Steve is sticking to his plan. He repeats these words over and over ‘Stick to the plan.’ You upset the man he says that at the end of his rant, but what is his plan?

Every decision I make it involves all who come into contact with me. I see how if I move in certain directions I can make a difference not just with me, but with those who are around me also. I share my abilities knowing they can make a difference like father, like daughter. I follow by my father’s influence he never thought of number one when trying to do something. He bought a speed boat and realised only a few people could enjoy the ride out to sea. So he changed it for a cabin cruiser so more people could enjoy it. With Steve it is number one except for this damned BBQ he has, but even that is about fluffing his plumage. What is he trying to prove?

I turned to daddy and I said look at the end of the day I except your son for who he is. I just wish the feelings were mutual because the few days you have been here you have put him right without you even knowing it. I have had to fight for the freedom to do what I am doing now and you have confirmed all what I have said to him in a matter of a few days. He looked at me and said you must fight it is not easy in choppy waters.

Then Steve says he wants to do a Masters... and I smile at daddy...
I and daddy spoke today for hours about everything I laid everything bare with no tears. I explained how the house moved and the people that are in it. He sat and listened and when it got to intense when it came to talking about the breast cancer he told me to stop. I understood that the pain of losing his wife to BC is still as fresh today as it was then. He just said, but you must fight. He is right you must take the plus and the minus and make it work. If it does not work then so be it, but we must try at least not just give in.

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