Wednesday, 31 August 2011

I am Not Selfish, I Just Know Wrong From Right!

The only time I have found peace is when I have withdrawn myself into a celibate life style. It was me in control pulling the strings with none of the drama of having a man intrude on my personal space. When I married my now husband I did not see the wave I was surfing on. Nor the baggage that was in the way that would create an extra burden.

A friend asked me, Sarah why remain in a situation when you are being punished for being you. I replied well I just can’t keep running away. Her reply but there is no running involved because you have become a  egg in a bubbling pan that has been placed on a high flame. To her I did not deserve any of what I have gone through or the stress my husband was adding. I had gone to my husband literally looking for answers and he has kept me on a long boil. The only problem with this is what happens when the water runs out? What top it up and boil some more or will the egg be too damaged to continue? I believed in heart of hearts Daddies visit could of built a bridge of hope, but no.

I tend to blame me for being me and look for forgiveness when really there is no forgiveness involved. The real issues within our relationship will never be addressed if both sides do not face their mistakes and move on. Being held to emotional ransom as punishment is very cold, in fact it is dangerous.

My verbal lash outs and behaviour he says he has to find away, if he can, too forgive. He speaks like all the issues are with me and how my selfish behaviour has put our relationship in this dark space. This I find an insult not only to my intelligence, but to my whole being. When I go into a relationship I concentrate solely on an individual. Do not get me wrong I still find a percentage of my time to continue what I am trying to achieve. Only a fool would shut themselves totally down from reality and concentrate on one person. Is that the selfish bit he is complaining about? My friends burst out laughing when I told them his excuse for me being shut out. To them I have been more than accommodating to his needs and he should not throw such large stones without the full impact of his behaviour being addressed too. To get a true image of the why’s and what for’s the full story must be in place. And four years of stress can cloud one’s mind with questions that now are not relevant. To them if I had neglected Sophia’s needs then fine or had a affair sure it explain a lot, but his replies are both selfish and manipulative to validate his behaviour in desperation to hide the facts. Not once has he taken responsibility only issued orders which only suited him. It is only natural for an individual who has had her independence to rebel and go her own way. This trait of my personality was never hidden from view.

The only time I say enough is enough is when my back is up against wall. I have put 100% into trying to make my marriage work, but every marriage faces a glitch or clash especially when someone’s attention is diverted elsewhere.

But should I be punished or shunted into a false sense of security?
I have had a whole year of no physical contact from my husband. Not a romantic kiss. Touch or caress. We talk; we smile, but zero passion. The torture of lying next to someone that shows no mercy is worse than being punched. The mental strain it places me under is unbearable at times, but you begin to find a routine to block the pain out. It is only when something reminds you of what you should have that the tears of frustration want to flow.

I have had two years of torment at the hands of the big C. Why should I be punished any further? How much should the screams in my pit of my stomach be muffled for his comfort? How long should I crawl?  Does that sound like a selfish woman? I want the truth, but his truth and my truth do not mix. All I can do is keep moving forward and forge my own path because I have too for my young daughter and my well-being. This is not selfish behaviour it is the survival instinct of a woman who has been crucified for what she believes is right.

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