Wednesday, 3 August 2011

We Can Excavate the Past or Live For Now...

How I see life and the paths I have walked can only lead to a sense of wonderment to why I am still here. I can look back and if I had walked down a different route who knows where I would be. The flip of a coin or the scale of justice, even karma we all live by at some point. So when I said on my FB page 'I love being me because if I was not me.. Who would be me?' It was me actually saying ‘Hey don’t question just keep walking’.
We do waste a lot of time asking questions. There are questions that really will not make a difference to the outcome. The important answer is straight forward for now we are here. We are at this point in our lives. BC as cruel as it is and life changing can place you on a different path. For some for the better, for others well I bow my head and I try to keep the memories I have of them true to who they were to me.
I am living my life trying to create a catalogue of images. So my youngest can say you know what my mum didn’t waste time on questions or quests. I want her to understand that life is precious along with the time we have together. And that you can have fun with it whether you are in a crowd or on your own. I am living my life for me and sharing my experiences with the few who choose to be around me. The blog is written words or a log to look back at the routes I follow with images entwined.
I cannot live for my husband or yearn for his affections. He is following his path and if he see’s, he see’s. If he does not, he does not. That should not alter or deter me from my own path. If I change I am not being true to Sarah and who Sarah is.
I want people to see you can regain your identity, your path or remain the person inside you always were. There is no new normal just the normality or routine we lost. If you can put aside the questions that are placed there by whatever hurdle you have had to jump. We are experiencing cancer ... not just breast cancer. We have received the biggest wakeup call any human being could face, but for now we are still here.

You, yes you who are reading my blog. Look at you, yes, look at you and look around you. You are not six feet under yet and you’re not going to be for some time. If you have one hour, one month, one year or a lifetime from the whole cancer experience. Live that time, talk, walk, touch, see and feel your surroundings. Don’t shut down; don’t give up on the individual you were born to be. Do not let cancer or any other experience in life you face take control. Yes it is easy for me to say, but I have forty one years you people have not read. What other skeletons do I hide? Bloody plenty that’s what, but who cares I’m here typing that is what is important. Not just the two year journey that has been edited onto my blog.

I have spoken to daddy for many hours now and I took him to the Maggie’s centre. I wanted to show him how I had a choice or a place of solace to go to. Even though I could not talk to others about my various journeys or hurdles I have had to jump since diagnosis. This place gave me the choice to open up or be around others who had wise words I could follow. I feel my journey is less than others, but it was timing, determination and sheer bloody mindedness that helped me discover my BC in time. I and daddy chatted with a staff member about my recovery and how I had found a route of understanding to move forward. We discussed my recent adventures in life that I have achieved and looking forward to. She admired my stance to the whole journey I took and faced. Daddy explained how in Trinidad they had drop in centres and how a stigma was attached with some to these centres.
His wife, Steve’s mother was a nurse when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. And I think it gave daddy a chance to chat about his experience of BC and the journey he took. For that brief moment he felt he could release some steam without upset or questions. We stood and listened whilst he talked which I think helped him because the memories he has of those events are still fresh as yesterday. He spoke how they lived every day right up until she died. There was nothing that he would not do for his wife and how much he loved her. There were no tears just slight tilts to the head with occasional nods from all listening, but time has moved forward he says. It is very true time has stopped for some, but not for me, him or you...
It does not mean I will not face another hurdle in life, but for now I’m on a straight run. When my daughter falls I do not go running to her aid. As a mother you wait for that certain cry that only a mother knows. I walk over calmly and repeat the words both my parents would say to me. ‘Get up, come on get up, dust yourself off, look it is nothing you know you’ll face bigger knocks in life than this, come on!’ I guess those few words could not be more true and more or less I think daddy was trying to say exactly that. We can excavate the past or live for now

Natural history museum, Daddy and Sophia

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