Sunday, 19 August 2012

Brighton Up My Day... Will Ya!

Out of the blue I decide we need a family day out in Brighton. The heat in central London the last few days has been ridiculous and we need too cool off. Seeing the sea was a welcoming sight, having a paddle was bloody fantastic! 

We also found time to go to The cakes there are choccylicious. I bought Sophia a very large chocolate coin and she wuffed it down.

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

I'm Back and Ready to Zap!

When I arrived at the hospital I was in search of laughter. Changing into my sexy hospital stockings I walked up and down doing a modelling type pose saying to myself this is the latest creation by The big E hospital. To me to beat this bastard I needed to laugh, not dwell, but none of the other patients were in a laughing mood. Finally my oncologist turns up to talk about what she wanted to do and to reassure me all would be fine..

My first stop off point was the ultra sound room to have one wire guided excisions fitted in each breast. I had a wire excision done in 2010 for my last lumpectomy on my right breast, so I was well prepared. To me having small breasts is a blessing when it comes to having these wires being fitted. Then the radiologist had to find the little 3mm area of cancer that was hidden 2cm into my armpit. This small lesion was between my LD recon and the top of my pectoral muscle. It was explained in detail by my oncologist who wanted to see it for herself. She so wanted to surgically remove it but to do so she could destroy blood vessels and nerves supplying the reconstructed breast.

The only choice we had was to wait and see if the chemotherapy would destroy it. If not then the recon would have to be taken apart which my oncologist is so desperate to avoid. In her eye she thinks it is a lymph node and the chemo will flush it out any rebel cancer cells.

Once all had been dissected and discussed between the radiologist and oncologist whilst I lay listening on quietly. I could honestly say this ride I was on will not be easy.
It was not long before I found myself laying on yet another theatre bed whilst people tried to find veins and rig me up the heart monitors etc. I have plenty fat juicy veins that never stay still, but the anaesthetist had come up against another dilemma both left and right breast were being operated on, so he wanted to fit a cannular into my foot. I instantly said but that’s near the bone and it will hurt, so expect some cussing. The anaesthetist tried to reassure me it would be fine, but I am not daft. Rat feet and needles minus pain does not happen. They decided after one attempt with me wincing and gritting my teeth with pain. The anaesthetist would fit that particular cannular once I had been put to sleep. It took two attempts to fit a cannular in the back of my hand, but I soon was in the land of nod...
It took me quite some time to wake from the anaesthetic, but all went well considering. Once wheeled up onto the ward and do the usual eat and drink pass urine etc. I was released to go home at 6.30pm with a bag of pain killers and follow up appointment. With a goodnights sleep I am ready to go.... 

Waking up to my young daughter blast out Cheryl Cole and singing ‘We are, who we are, we are’ and knowing that she has a memory of meeting her in person makes me smile. To me that is the best bit of therapy I could of created. Every time I see a movie I can say well yep she met that person and we can talk about it, not the cancer. Yes I may lose my hair and I will feel I’m going to the pits of hell and back, but I also know it will not just be me affected by the visual side of having cancer.

Saturday, 11 August 2012

Who am I?

When I started my blog it was not to gain attention, but a tool to look back on. To me it highlights even when people say you are wrong, you are really right. No-one goes in search of cancer because cancer is our cellular make-up waiting to erupt. There is no magic button that can be turned on and off to this disease or at least not yet. But by me saying over a period of time you know I hope they have not missed something has left me open to more than one critic.

I am a women who knows her own mind and body. And I am not ashamed to admit the fact I knew my clash with cancer was not quite finished. After my recurrence diagnosis some people have said, but Sarah they cocked up. These people in some cases have been the very people spouting their mouths off about me wanting the full treatment which is harsh to say, but it was their reality of what my journey had become. Now all I receive is messages of I hope your treatment is not too bad. And I know your strong and you will get through this, but what if I don’t? What if I am not strong? People neglect the fact I am human with feelings, and right now I am lost because my fear has become my reality.
The path I am on now relies on one little plant called the Periwinkle. That plant innocent like myself that just wants to thrive in some forest is being propagated and cut up. It is seen as the saviour, but with deadly consequences a bit like me when I express my opinion on my blog. It’s origins are from the place where ring tail lemmas’ salute you with their tails.. a bit like the middle finger... The Madagascar Periwinkle produces vinca alkaloids that when injected into your artery targets those fast growing cells we fear, but also targets our vanity. It leaves a wake of destruction within our body by destroying anything that remotely resembles a cancer cell that includes hair. This is chemotherapy...
Did I go in search of that innocent plant.... to my critics’ No! Because who would want to destroy something so delicate.... yet so deadly.
On a lighter note I took myself for one whole day away from the prison I call home. Sophia’s needs still have to be met and my worries I have to encase behind a defiant smile, so into central London we go. First stop is Notting hill with a brisk walk down to Queensway. We stop off at the Spar and get a bite to eat and continue our journey into Kensington Gardens. We pass our grumbling tree and say hello followed by a couple of pictures to record our day.

Then to the round pond to give the remainder of our snack to the swans who were very grateful.

From there we follow the path down to the Serpentine to get a good gander at an Olympic marathon swimming race that was taking place.. Go Team GB!
Do take note of the no bathing sign in the image Pmsl!!!!

And grassed on two pick pockets that were eyeing up some women’s bag and mine to a lovely policeman. Once I had finished my civil duties I and Sophia walked along the Serpentine until we saw the Diana memorial Fountain. Sophia could not resist going for a paddle in its freezing waters, again another picture.

After 30 mins I encouraged Sophia out of the water to continue our walk down towards Knightbridge. As we walked I came across the Olympic Shop, so in we went for a nosey. We could not resist having a picture done with both of us holding an Olympic torch. Get in there!

Meantime I had arranged to meet up with a friend to chill out, so off we went walking through Hyde Park to Marble Arch. A stop off at Maccy D’s for some refreshments and toilet. There I meet my friend and after a little rest we head for the science museum, so we cut back threw Hyde Park heading to the Royal Albert Hall on foot. What should of taken 20 mins took 40 mins because a lot of the paths were closed to the public due to Olympics. Once we had reached the Science Museum we had to go in search of more refreshments, so we find another  place to sit and eat. Finally we arrive at the Science Museum and Sophia takes off into its galleries touching buttons and gadgets. I even get to play on a few bits myself. We go upstairs into the Who am I gallery... This is where I find my innocent little plant called the Periwinkle... Now that was a long damn walk to find out what will be coursing thru my veins don’t you think.... J

Friday, 3 August 2012

If You Have Doubt Bloody Shout!!!

When you hear the word recurrence you do think the worst because it is the same high grade cancer, but once the fuzzy cloud has shifted out of the way and logic kicks in my fear turns into, ok what next. Thankfully the team that are dealing with me are on the ball. It was explained the 5mm on my rib and 3mm in my arm pit were outside of the margins of a mammogram machine and even a ultrasound could of missed them because they were so small. The fact I had found the 5mm area and could guide the radiologist to it which then revealed the second 3mm on investigation was a miracle. The oncologist has decided to remove the 5mm area surgically with a wire and treat the 3mm with chemotherapy and radiotherapy. This prevents damage surgically to the nerves, muscle and blood vessels. There are still risks with the radiotherapy, but fingers crossed they will be minimal. The surgery takes place on the 13th August less than two weeks away. With a one day at a time approach to chemo and the rest.
It was kind of ironic that on my father’s death 16th July again I should find cancer. It was only thanks to me opening my mouth and saying guys just check this tiny American easy cook rice sized lump believing it was just scar tissue from the drainage tubing from the LD MX that led to this recent diagnosis, but they have also discovered an area on my right breast which means a second lumpectomy. After a couple of MDT meetings which had mixed response my oncologist has come up with a plan that means my recon and lymph nodes on the left can be left alone which was my main concern.
Now I know  certain individuals will be saying take it all away have done with it which is what a few of the MDT were suggesting, but thankfully I have an oncologist who believes this choice isn’t right for me. It does not mean that opinion won’t change once treatment starts, but for now I have to remain positive. I again thanks to my out spoken attitude found the cancer and hopefully fingers crossed I’ll be punching my fist in the air once all is done.
This is why I am now shouting from the rafters please, please, please if you think you have found something then tell your oncologist. Do not doubt yourself as my oncologist said you know your own body better than they do. Intuition is a powerful tool when discovering cancer. We know that it is there, but leave it way to long when getting diagnosed. This could be because of fear or simply we are turning to the wrong people to get advice. Personally I have a big mouth and don’t care who thinks what about me because it is me that is keeping me from earning my wings. Personally if my paranoia actually creates concern amongst my bloody team good it means they are doing their job.

The only issue with me having the operation and yes I did have a choice, but my health is more important. I don't get to take Sophia to the Expendables 2 premiere to meet Arnie.. umhhhhhhh!