Tuesday, 4 September 2012

It’s All About Moderation and Listening To Ones Body...

Scouring the internet is one way of making sense of the rollercoaster ride that is about to begin. Certain fragments of the conversation that took place stand out. Like me asking what type of chemotherapy will I be on? Answer: FEC followed by radiotherapy, Herceptin and Tamoxifen. What do I know of my results? Plenty in fact too much. What did the oncology team tell me of my results prior to arriving in handsome Mr L's office? Oh gosh laid on that bed before the core biopsy was like being invisible because the debates were quite in depth. Has it been explained I will lose my hair? What am I a frigging idiot. Part of me at that point wanted to say yes I am female, but I’m from Yorkshire. Vanity is not my priority, but the little girl who is sat beside me piped up, but mummy you can have a funny hair (meaning wig). I had already explained to the team I was having issues with Sophia and the whole cancer thing, so I said look lets move from that area of the conversation and he agreed. (Sophia's concerns were I would be made fun of if I lost my hair by her school friends.) As I looked at handsome Mr L direct in the eyes and say yes but, my husband arrives. And I continue what I was about to say, there is nothing you have told me that has not already been mentioned several times. Then to his surprise I say. I know through having a copy of the medical biopsies from my mastectomy breast in 2009 that the cancer before was HER2 +++. Handsome Mr L turns to my notes and tilts his head, and replies yes, but this time it has also developed into oestrogen positive too. This of course was something new along with being told there were three areas not two on the MX breast. Handsome Mr L said my case was both puzzling and complicated. Puzzling because in their eye to have this sort of recurrence is rare, but complicated because of the change in the cancer and HER2. Mr L was surprized at how I had discovered the cancer, not the first time this has been mentioned, but the fact it was so small.
He pulled out a ruler to show me a comparison in size, but Doh I do costumes and design props. I actually have a ruler in my beside table and i use both inches and centimeters. He continued we are hoping to get you a further ten years if not more. My reply was hey I am watching women with three times reoccurring cancer and if they can fight it so can I.

The realism of a cancer diagnosis is you are a guinea pig in all aspects of treatment. Like no two births are the same, no two people are the same with their particular cancer. To compare your diagnosis to another is naive, but it shows there is hope out there.

On leaving the office for the third time the BC nurse that is not my normal BC nurse makes excuses up for her not being able to chat with me. My thoughts were hey don't worry about me I've got a forum of ladies that can fill me in, but I actually replied hey I already know, you go about your business and deal with those that need you. Yes there was sarcasm in my tone.... Yes she may of been busy and over stretched with time, but I am good at blagging my way through lifes glitches... and so can many other women.... As a friend said we know when someone actually does not want to listen, so some women who are sensitive to such responses. Do have a tenderacy to dismiss an individual rather then beg for attention.

On returning home I had several visits and phone calls to deal with. Each were trying to reassure me in their own way. The fact is it is me who has to fight this disease or at least keep it at bay. They are observers  which cancer will leave a long lasting imprint on, so I have not time for pity or doubt. I have no time for emotional tears or negative imbalance in my life. The first thing a friend wanted to know Sarah are you still going to the premiere tomorrow. She knew me too well of course the answer is yes and every premiere thereafter. But you will be too sick.. Oh no I said don’t be daft.. she knew just because I have cancer doesn’t mean I’ll stop my exploits. After all in my world it is all about routine and not four walls.

1.     Tomorrow Anna Karenina World Premiere attending Jude Law, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Keira Knightley, and Matthew Macfadyen confirmed to walk the red carpet.

2.    Wednesday music video to be filmed and I assist as well as appear in.

3.    In between I am designing props and helping to organise a child’s birthday party. Damn fairy castle piñata is looking good..... or at least the child is excited about it from what she has seen and helped me to cover with tissue paper..

To sum it up..  cancer has not beaten me yet... It’s all about moderation and listening to ones body...

not complete, but getting there...


  1. We must be related somewhere back in our family tree. I love the castle!! I made one like that once as a display thing for a massive pile of Christmas cookies I made. Don't ask. Ended up giving most of them away to children's floor at hospital.

    Love you, kiddo. Life do go on. Living it is what we do while we can. xoxoxo

  2. I think your information on cancer treatment is not sufficient.Can you give more details so that reader can easily understand it.
    Thank you for giving this information.
    Regards:cancer treatment in india

    1. Oncology Surgery India,
      The information I give is on my current situation on my treatment.. It may seem insufficient but personally without asking me direct questions I cannot see how much more you could possibly require considering this is my diary on my journey...

  3. Great blog Sarah. I am just about to start FEC, will be having 3 lots and then onto 3 lots of Tax. If you don't mind me asking, if your daughter is having issues with the cancer thing, why did you take her to your first oncology meeting. Just a thought and best of luck with the treatment x

  4. Hi Anonymous,

    I live in London and have very few people I can trust who do not already have lives of there own.. Yes to some to take my daughter along maybe wrong, but Sophia is already part of this journey. It actually helps with the grieving process because it does not just involve dying, but the constant changes in appearance and day to day function. Sophia's fear is of me losing my hair and her friends judging me. My medical team and breast cancer nurse are helping with preparing Sophia with this change.. I am a strong believer in maintaining an open relationship where my daughter can come to me and speak freely with both myself my husband and friends... I hope your treatment goes well Sarah M xxx